No thoughts, head empty.
Curtains drawn, legs tightly curled to my chest as I lay in the fetal position. What’s the point? To self soothe? Or to shrink myself impossibly small so as to disappear from the day? Playing hide and seek from reality, except no ones trying to find me, certainly not myself.
I surrender another business day and busy my day with TikTok. Horizontally absorbing content feels like a warped sense of productivity, which is good enough for my low standards.
No thoughts, head empty as the outside world sounds like white noise, the hum of a ringing ear after a live concert. The sound is too loud to decipher the lengthy to-do lists in my brain - or is it that they’re written in a different language?
Last week’s elastic rubber band capacity to carry on and thrive was almost incomparable to a sex dream. A seductive rendezvous with stimulation, time and time again, only leading to a rich, fruitful, sense of achievement - endorphins pumping, stress relieved, and a more intimate bond with the feeling of success.
Wish I didn’t start so many new projects only to have the spring removed from my spine, rendering me limp and unqualified.
I rub my eyes and the smudges from three-day-old mascara transfer onto the back of my hand. I squint just enough to make out my higher self in the distance, laughing at my pitiful state.
How embarrassing for me to forget that this is my true reality. Sex dreams are just that: living inside my head, occasionally making an appearance only to leave before I get too euphoric.
Except.
In a couple weeks time, I will be reminded of the fact that like all things of nature, everything is temporary and this too shall pass. The path of most resistance leads to the destination of most fulfillment, because it proves the strength it takes to get there. The technicolour will return, and with it another example of my capability to dance, learn, grow and flourish. It will return just as we are about to forget what the alternate looks like. It does so in a fashion as cyclical as the appearance of warm, delicious Spring weather after a harsh winter, because we humans are animals and nature is our core.
How else are we able to exercise gratitude?
And it is when this happens that my higher self will be gazing at me, this time from the mirror’s reflection, and I will realise, it wasn’t my struggling self she was laughing at after all. She simply found it ridiculous to believe that me, a strong, powerful, and resilient woman, would be unable to persevere like I have my whole life.